A note before we start: When I started writing this post, in my mind it was a short, simple story; but as I started typing, my heart just poured out. So get settled in and ready for my life story.
Being raised in a good Southern, Christian home and school, testimonies were a pretty normal thing. I had heard so many incredibly inspiring stories of people in dark, broken, addiction filled places who were radically changed by the power of God. And that’s great and all, but that wasn’t really my problem…. That sounds absolutely terrible but it was true and that was how I felt about it. Every story that was told brought me to tears and made me want to have some amazing story to tell the world someday, but that wasn’t the case. I came from a big, Godly (from what I could tell), loving, wonderful family; I went to a Christian school all my life with very Godly teachers and staff; I surrounded myself with people who at least claimed to be Christians… between school, church and my house that was really all my options were anyways. I had never been in a gloomy, depressing place in life that was filled with so many obvious bad choices. So in my mind, that meant I didn’t have a good testimony.
I was always told that I needed to tell everyone I met my testimony, to try and witness to every stranger on the street; I was supposed to somehow inspire a stranger enough that they would want to know God… Excuse me. What now? So I would go home and think about “my testimony:” How did I get saved, why do I believe in this “God,” how has God changed my life, and why should everyone want to be a child of God? Only one of those questions could I answer… I was saved when I was about 5 years old. That is all I knew. I went to church most Sundays so I knew all the “Sunday School answers,” but I couldn’t honestly answer those questions for myself. So began a journey for answers.
When I was about 5 years old, I was finally old enough to go to “big church!” YAHOO! I had everything set, my beautiful pink Bible, my brand new notebook to take notes on the sermon, my crayons (for official note-taking business), and my hand-held Yahtzee game (just in case these note things weren’t fun). I don’t remember a whole lot about my experience except for the pastor saying that to get into Heaven, you needed to be saved. Over my short life, I had heard a lot about heaven and praying and all that jazz and decided it was something I wanted to do. At the end of the sermon, the pastor said if you wanted to get to Heaven you needed to say this prayer. In my head I shouted the words! I needed to get to Heaven. That was it. I don’t even remember if I told my mom and dad that I had done it, that I was saved… I just knew I was going to Heaven.
Fast forward a few years. Again in church. The new pastor mentioned another word I was familiar with “baptize.” I had also heard this word many times over the years and knew that it was something else that needed to be done so that everyone would know that you had been saved; I also knew it meant you had to be dunked in water in front of the whole church. There had been many people over the years who I watched in that far away “bath tub” get dunked in the water and everyone would clap. I decided that day that I needed to be baptized so that everyone could know that I too was in their club. After church I informed my mom of my decision. She happily told me that the following week we would walk down front and schedule my baptism. The next Sunday I made sure to wear my most favorite outfit because I would have to stand in front of the whole church! At the end of the sermon, my mom and I walked down to the front of the huge church. Being the shyest child on the planet, my mom did all the talking. She told the man at the end of aisle that I wanted to be baptized. He sat us down and told us someone would be over to talk to us. A woman came right over. She was very friendly and smiled as she asked my name and when I had gotten saved. Soon afterwards the song was over and the pastor was standing back in front talking… I knew that I was about to have to go up there and I started getting really nervous. As he went down the list, I started to shake… maybe I don’t want to be baptized. “Katelyn Fleming” that was me. My mom and I both stood up and I walked towards our pastor. He shook my hand and said, “Hello, Katie.” “Katelyn,” I corrected. Then I turned and looked out at the crowd, there was a lot of people so I decided to look at the floor instead. The pastor dismissed everyone, but I had to stay so everyone could come and say hello to me. A lot of old people with smiling faces and bad perfume hugged on me until finally my own family was up there. My aunt was crying, and although I am not sure why, it made me cry. Afterwards, we all went out to lunch and life went on. At some point I got a book from my church “God, should I be baptized?” It was the first “Bible study” that I had owned so I was pretty excited. I only got through about half the book, oops. Several weeks later, I was up in the giant “bath tub.” My pastor asked me if I had accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. And I immediately said yes (although I think it may have been a shy “mmm hmm”). Then he dunked me under water. The whole church clapped and I was allowed to leave. My life returned to normal. That’s where my testimony got confusing. My life didn’t change. I didn’t read my Bible or pray constantly. I always tried to make good choices and would talk to God every now and then (mostly when I needed help) and I went to church (most of the Sunday mornings and a lot of Wednesday nights in middle school) and I attended chapel every week at school (and raised my hands because that is apparently what you do during worship – but, not at church). Even though I knew I was saved and Jesus lived in my heart, EVERY time anyone mentioned “THE prayer” I repeated the words in my mind.
Fast forward again to high school. Nothing had changed. I was still a Christian in a Christian school. Most Sundays I was at church, some Wednesdays I was with the youth group, I attended almost all the retreats, I was kind, giving and loving; I was a Christian. So why was it that every Wednesday morning in chapel I would repeat the same prayer asking Jesus into my heart? Looking back, it wasn’t that I was questioning my salvation (Jesus had always been there), I was questioning myself. Yes, I was the “good girl” who made all the right choices: To this day I haven’t had more than one sip alcohol, I never have smoked anything, and I don’t party. Yes, I was the gentle spirit who has always and will always put others first and will always enjoy the thrill of giving. Yes, I did go to church on Sundays and Wednesdays. Yes, I did raise my hand during praise and worship songs (still only on Wednesdays). Yes, I did love God. The problem was I wasn’t spending time with Him. I claimed to know this wonderful, amazing, loving being, but I knew nothing about Him. I didn’t read my Bible… ever! I rarely talked to Him. I had never done a Bible study. I eventually stopped going to church on Wednesdays. I remembered a few of the biggest Bible stories from elementary school. I knew very little about anything!
When I realized all of this (in my sophomore year of college), I began to question myself and my entire life. Why hadn’t I been reading my Bible? Why had I been faking the perfect relationship with God for so long, not only to everyone else but to myself? Why had I been lying to myself? Again I was stumped… I couldn’t answer any of these questions. But, because God works in amazing ways, the answers started coming quick.
I had worked with and become great friends with this lovely person, Sammie. One day at work she mentioned a weekend retreat that I had to go to. For some reason, I had this longing to go; even though I knew very little about the trip because Sammie wouldn’t tell me a whole lot. I convinced my mom into it and off we went to Birmingham, Alabama for Vida Nueva #13. It was the most powerful weekend I have ever experienced. I quickly understood why Sammie wouldn’t tell me anything… it’s because you can’t! I honestly cannot explain anything that happened because it was so moving and special that it can only be experienced, it can’t be told. I will, however, share what the weekend is all about. It is about completely surrendering to God and discovering what that truly means. With the help of that weekend, I slowly began to piece together part of the answers to those questions that had been burning in my mind. I had been faking all of those years because I didn’t know what else to do. I honestly didn’t know how to have a relationship with God.
With my past, you would think that somewhere along the line I would have picked up on how to be a Christian, but I didn’t. I knew I was supposed to read the Bible, but I didn’t know how; whenever I picked it up and tried reading, I had no clue what I was reading or how it applied to my life unless the pastor explained it. I knew I was supposed to pray, but often I didn’t know what to say; I mean, really… how do you talk to the one who created EVERYTHING? I knew I was supposed to make good choices and not sin, and I pretty much had that down pat… at least I tried my best and when I slipped up I asked for forgiveness. And with all of these problems, I did what I always do: keep them inside. I couldn’t possibly tell anyone I wasn’t reading my Bible, that I didn’t know anything about anything, that I didn’t even know how to be a Christian. Here I was, a sweet girl who had claimed to be a Godly Christian for about 13 years… I just couldn’t admit to not knowing, even to myself. Everyone saw me as this wonderful person, I was even told by one of my mentors, “You are such a sweet, Godly girl. I can tell by everything you do that you have a beautiful heart. I wish there was more young people like you.” If only she knew the struggle going on in my heart.
Then came the Vida Nueva weekend! There I learned a lot about God and how to surrender, but mostly I learned a lot about myself. I fully discovered how much I had been faking all those years, I learned how to let go of all of those feelings of guilt, pain and self-destruction (a lot of crying happens at VN, and I mean A LOT!), and I learned how great of a support team I had in my life. Although I went away still with a lot of questions (that I still couldn’t ask), I also gained so many answers. Over the next year, not a whole lot changed in my life except I was praying. I prayed all the time, mostly asking God for answers. Since I felt like I couldn’t turn to my family or friends for this advice on how to be a Christian, I turned to God. I would talk to Him about everything, and every day I asked for the same thing: help! Again, God works in amazing ways.
While working with Sammie, a new girl was hired. At first, I didn’t think we would click, but one week later, we were pretty much best friends. Leah is two years younger than me, so how could I learn anything from her? I am supposed to be older and wiser, right? WRONG! Almost a year after my VN weekend, after a year of asking God for help, Leah started inviting me to go to Wednesday night church with her (the church I used to go to in middle school and the church several of my friends went to), after a few weeks of being invited and turning it down, I felt a tug on my heart and decided to put the homework down and go. The pastor was the same one that preached to me in middle school and he was a friend of my family, my friends were surrounding me and I was in church, I should feel completely comfortable and safe, right? Again, wrong. I was so nervous and I am not sure why? I am a shy introvert and didn’t want to be around all those people I didn’t know and I needed something to be said to change my life, to answer all these questions – that’s a lot to ask for. What would be the first sermon in a long time I would hear Mark preach? “Finding God’s Will.” How appropriate! That’s exactly what I needed. Mark said, “God’s will isn’t a place! It’s a person’s heart fully devoted to Him.” Okay, great. That didn’t really answer any of my questions… HOW do I fully devote my heart to God? But I went back next week to see if I could find the answer. “Finding God’s Will: Part 2.” This time, Mark actually told me the answer! (Again, God works in amazing ways!) I am supposed to be a sheep… a blind follower of God. I am also supposed to be filled with the Holy Spirit. And how do you do that? Read God’s word. Awesome, I still don’t know how to do that. The next time I went to church, about 3 weeks later, I would get that answer. (God really is amazing!)
In the meantime, it was time for VN again. This time Leah was attending and I was serving! I was so excited! Except somehow I got roped into speaking one of the days by Sammie - I was so nervous; I don’t do well in front of a lot of people. Oddly enough I was supposed to talk about confidence. The piece I wrote didn’t come from me… I sat down 2 days before we were leaving and typed for about 30 minutes. I don’t remember coming up with anything to say, it just happened. When I got my mom to proofread it, she cried… When I reread it, I felt a tug on my heart because what I had written spoke directly to me. The weekend came and I met some amazing girls and had such a wonderful time. Then Sunday morning was my time to speak… I got through it alive and everyone told me how wonderful I did, but honestly I don’t remember speaking. I remember crying and shaking beforehand, I remember my heart fluttering as I was passed the microphone. Then, I remember starting and all nervousness leaving my body. I stopped shaking, the butterflies in my tummy flew away and I just spoke. After the whole weekend was over, I felt like I had gotten more out of it than when I went through myself.
When I returned to church, Mark got up to speak about “Community: Part 2.” Dang it, I missed the first part… Luckily, he began with an overview of last week. “Being busy doesn’t mean you don’t put God on His right platform.” This week, Mark told us about how to read God’s Word! What?!? I’ve waited my whole life for someone to tell me this! I took the best notes possible and wrote down almost everything he said… this was GOLD! I am not supposed to just read to check it off a list, or to prove a point. God’s Word isn’t an instruction manual, it is God’s story. I needed the right tools to get started; Mark gave a list of good resources and a great Bible. I was so excited I went home and immediately looked up the tools I needed. $80 for a Bible? I had about 5 Bibles and none of them were more than $30 (I had to have one pretty one with my name engraved in it – like a “good Christian”). For a poor college student, still living at home with no job, $80 was a lot for someone with $10 in her bank account that was left from her dad’s account. I couldn’t just ask my mom for $80 for a Bible I already had plenty of. I decided to wait and put it on my Christmas list. It was first, the commentaries Mark had mentioned were second and then the other randoms I wanted were last.
On Christmas day, I opened almost everything I had asked for, most importantly, the Bible and one of the commentaries. I also received a devotional called “I Am Second.” My mom said the lady at the store said it was incredible (It really is awesome and I highly recommend it). I was happy. I “rededicated” my life to the Lord – because I still knew I was saved, so I didn’t need to repeat that prayer anymore, I just needed to refocus my life. In January I got settled back into school and had a system down where I would read my 3 devotionals right before bed, after all of my homework. I learned so much just in the first week. My life improved completely. I was less stressed out by life, I had more joy in everything and I looked forward to reading my Bible and devotionals every night, it was the highlight of my day! I don’t know if this change was as obvious to everyone else as it was to me, but I was loving it! (ba da da da da I’m loving it!) This is where my story ends. That Christmas: December 2013. That January was one month ago. I am still going and have a really, really long way to go. Every day I am learning and every day I am growing. I am a Christian and finally living it.
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